It's Okay - Allowing Yourself a Fair Perspective

Where I am in life is wonderful. I have amazing friends and family, an amazing husband, a job as a TA at BYU that I love, and I am taking a full schedule of classes that I enjoy. My major and future plans excite me. I am not financially stressed and I feel loved and safe. I have an adorable little apartment that is perfect for us that Andrew and I have both have enjoyed settling into and making into our home. I don't feel overwhelmed by duties at home, my husband and I work hard on our school work (generally, there can be that one paper we really don't want to do), have a happy marriage, and we enjoy games and Netflix and church and friends and good food and time for ourselves.

But sometimes I don't feel like life is wonderful. I want so much to do so well in my endeavors and in being the person I want to be that sometimes I worry and stress more than I need to. 

Life is full of a lot to do and has new situations we didn't expect. It is good to have a fair amount of stress in life, because we aren't meant to be static, and growing and progressing means doing hard things. But as we face new situations every day, at least I can feel the weight of the worry that I'm not handling my responsibilities and facing the new situations as best as maybe I could or that I should be a better student, or a better family member, or a better wife, or a better friend. To be completely honest, I'm usually happy and content throughout the day of responsibilities but sometimes when I get home and there still seems to be so much to do and I still feel stress it can change from good stress to bad stress and cause me to become more worried about things I wasn't worried about before. I wanted to write this for those who, like me, though their life may be full of blessings and good efforts and good work and a great deal of wonderful imperfections, somehow, sometimes, still seem to worry now and then if what they are doing or who they are is good enough. Sometimes we're just not fair to ourselves and bring upon ourselves added stress that we don't deserve or need. As a new wife, this is hard for both me and my husband as I can become more irritable and frustrated about things in our marriage that wouldn't frustrate me otherwise.

Somewhere inside in both day to day life when we feel stressed as well as in bigger tragedies and disappointments we know "it's okay" but we don't really believe it. So I wanted to point a couple things out that I know I have to remind myself sometimes:

• It's okay to have a hard time.
• It's okay that your life is imperfect. 
• It's okay if now your life consists of something you didn't want it to. Things we don't want will always come. Things we do want and don't expect come too, and that's pretty cool.
• It's okay to not really be good at something and instead just be fabulously mediocre. My dad once said with a laugh that you have to let yourself just be mediocre at some things.
• If you're doing something you are mediocre at or even usually good at and you feel like you look stupid, that's okay too. My grandma told me it's important to look stupid sometimes.
• It's okay to do a good-enough job and not your very best sometimes when it is better for your life (but do try hard when you can). It's okay to pull back when you need to.
• It's okay to give up on somethings. I always thought it would be so cool to do a back flip and never quite got there. You can always learn something new (with certain physical limitations) and I still think a backflip would be cool, but I don't think it's important to my eternal well-being or even that important to my happiness on earth or worth the time right now.
• It's okay to know it will be okay but not be there yet. You don't have to climb a mountain, or change a habit or whatever it might be, in a day even if you'd like to.
• It's okay to seem to find something someone does that bugs you, work that you never want to do, and little clumsy moments or let downs pretty much every day. Talking to a friend (or spouse, they're good at this) about those things and letting a laugh carry them away is nice.
• It's okay to be happy. It's kinda cruel that sometimes when you are trying to be humble and kind to others you feel guilty in success. It's okay to celebrate successes and be proud of yourself. Be generous with others, but let blessings be blessings and let yourself be happy about it or share that success with a friend. It's good for the soul.
• It's okay to focus effort on yourself to find happiness, as long as it's the right kind of real happiness.
• It's okay for other people not to understand you completely. You'll always be more AND less than the next person in a lot of ways, and you'll always seem perfect to someone and the furthest thing from perfect to someone else. That's okay too.
• Earth shattering things happen, and they are called earth shattering for a reason. There is sickness and disability and failure and huge disappointments for yourself and others and broken hearts and death, and it's not okay. That's okay too. Love yourself and give yourself the time you need for it to be okay.
• It's okay to change and move on and find new stages and parts of life, and have to leave behind the old way of life even though you sure loved it that way and it can cause some separation anxiety for a while. People grow up, people change, people move, jobs come or go, and life changes. It's okay for it to be hard, but work toward accepting the change and finding happiness in it. I usually find I'm not really missing out on something like I thought I would be.
• It's okay to fail sometimes. It really stinks, but sometimes you just can't do it yet and it's okay. It's okay to not completely finish an assignment sometimes or get a little lower grade than you wanted when the stress it puts on you to finish those things or get that grade is something you can't handle happily in your life.
• It's okay to take breaks. Allowing yourself breaks when you need them has proven to make people more efficient and effective when they get back to work (or whatever you were doing). You don't always have to feel guilty for giving yourself time. Sometimes social media and Netflix help keep me sane, and that's a good thing.
• It's okay to seem behind. Somethings are going to be harder for you than other people. We're all different. People aren't as bothered to help you as we usually think. Everyone is struggling with something at any one time - it's okay to admit you would benefit from help.
• It's okay to not have everything done. Let's be real - this is pretty much always in life. Don't keep peace and happiness for when the to-do list is done, because it might become pretty rare (:
• It's okay to be quirky. I like to walk in the rain and drink pickle juice and not wear shoes. And those things are goofy and don't really seem to have a point to some, but they make me happy so I'm going to keep right on doing them.
• It's okay to think differently. 
• It's okay to not get what you really wanted, whether or not your opinion of what you really wanted changes afterwards and you're grateful or you still look back and wish you could have gotten the job or made the shot or whatever it may be. Sometimes it just doesn't work out, but life doesn't run out of opportunities.
• It's okay to cry. You don't have to feel like you failed at being strong when you do.

Sometimes I find that not realizing it's okay is the only thing holding stress and worry inside me. I guess it's right that our worst enemies in life are often ourselves. We have to not take ourselves so seriously all the time and try to stay close to Christ and remember what he thinks of us. It can be easier to be gracious and accepting and forgiving and patient with others than with yourself. But give yourself a break. Stopping holding yourself back and just letting the stress and worry go often leads to happier and more productive days and better rest.

It's fairly easy for me to write this and say these things and easy to read them and agree with them, but the point isn't to agree necessarily. It's to tell the little voice in your head that is disappointed with work or with school or with a relationship or with yourself to shut up. We know life is funnier and more comfortable and more progressive in it's imperfect glory and we will be more kind to ourselves. We all have at least something we can think of that was pretty sucky to have come into our lives and we were so surprised when everything turned out okay. The worst case scenario often isn't that bad and isn't even going to happen anyway. So when you're at the end of the day tomorrow and there's still something else you feel you should have gotten done, or something happened that put you in a bad mood, or whatever that little thing is that happens tomorrow that doesn't seem okay, gosh darn it, be fair to yourself and let it be okay.

A Story of Us - Three Squeezes

When we began dating, I didn't know Andrew very well, but what I did know about him was comforting. He was responsible, intelligent, had his own sense of humor, appreciative, humble, and kind. I had heard from a friend in a discussion at church one day that in finding an eternal companion you're not supposed to find the right person, but find the kind of person you can build the right relationship with, and build that relationship. You could say I was taking a chance or following the spirit in agreeing to date the boy from Chemistry after 8 days (we had been acquaintances before and had gone on one official great date and unofficial dates nearly every day of the following week, so you can choose to call me crazy or not as you please), but I really saw this boy as being one with that potential - the kind of person I could build the right relationship with.

The days passed and we grew. Sometimes I would laugh at how different we were, and there was a time a little bit after we started dating that I really doubted and became afraid, but in telling Andrew these things, I felt comfortable. This time when I wasn't sure about us was the first of many times I was uncertain or frustrated about something. Andrew was there for me and expressed that he wanted to be with me but he wanted most for me to be happy. His patience and understanding and trust in me and my decisions felt good. Then, and ever since, I could never find a reason to not be with Andrew. I never felt that uncertain again, I have found that my uncertainties are best confronted by Andrew and I together, even if that just means sharing a worry and having his support in my confronting it.

I give this introduction to show that in my relationship with Andrew, I was confident and happy. A lot of this comes from the kind of person Andrew is. He's good through and through. But despite this deep underlying happiness that was there no matter what, which I think is common in good relationships and especially marriages, there were and are still little things that worry me or frustrate me now and then. As we were dating, I became frustrated about feeling loved. I knew I was loved, but didn't feel it sometimes, and though it sounded silly even to me at the time, I knew we needed to find a way for Andrew to better communicate his love to me that I felt and internalized for my personal peace and happiness. We talked about how I could feel more loved before Andrew would go back to his apartment, and though we were working on it and getting better, one night I seemed especially put out. We were sitting outside against a wall, and Andrew squeezed my hand three times. It's fun to think about what my face must have looked like, because I got it and looked up and said, "Does that mean 'I love you'?" He kinda laughed and said something like, "Yeah. You haven't noticed before? I've been squeezing your hand since we started dating."

My mind immediately flashed back to when I was gently prodding for Andrew to say he loved me when I knew I was falling for him. Even before he said he loved me, he knew it inside himself and was showing me even when I didn't notice. 

I am very happy with the love I feel communicated to me now, and Andrew and I can have entire small conversations through hand squeezes. But I learned something in that moment, and I still look back on it. There was an opportunity for growth and I had certain expectations for how I wanted something to be, while all the while my Andrew was happy, content, willing to approach an opportunity for growth with me, and showing his love to me the best he could even when I had no idea. I felt such overwhelming love to have someone like Andrew, who continues to love me like that because it's who he is.

Maybe I'm sharing this story for someone to remember a similar thing they learned once with a relationship they have, for my personal recollection and growth, or for my children to read one day and see just how much their daddy loved their mom, and was as kind and humble as he is from the very beginning, 

But if nothing else, maybe it's just a fun story of us. When I think about the couple that we have grown to be, and all of the perfect imperfections that means, somehow I still think back to the original three squeezes.

Passing on Advice... from Molly

I am a huge fan of Humans of New York, and other people and organizations that highlight real people and little things in life (that are really the big things in life) that show uniqueness and strength. I want to highlight lessons I learn from people around me through this blog in short posts now and then, and call it "Passing on Advice", whether this be advice given in word or through action and example. I first want to highlight someone who seems to make my life better in every way - my little sister Molly.

 I want to highlight two little things I've learned from her lately. This Christmas, Molly taught me the beauty of pure giving and receiving. She gave everyone in our family a gift when she didn't have to, and though simple they were thoughtful and kind. She sent me and Andrew cookies here in Virginia, and not only were they really good cookies, she wrote us two notes and made us a little ornament with a picture of us that she drew. She gave the best that she had because giving made her happy.

And second, whenever I am lacking motivation in my studies at college, I call Molly. Calling my mom or my dad or my other siblings is fun and makes me happy and puts things in perspective too, but Molly's sunshine comes through the phone and makes me happy no matter what. There's something in that that I just love so much. Asking Molly's advice helps me remember everything's going to be okay. Asking her opinion, like when I used to ask who my prince should be and give her options, makes me laugh. And talking to her and spending time with her makes her so happy. 

(Skyping Molly from Spain this past spring.)

 Somehow it goes both ways too. Because I was excited for Andrew to come visit our family over the summer, she somehow became even more excited than me. 

I hope we'll always be such good friends, and that I can grow to be a little more like Molly.

The Value of Adventure

Growing up I was the designated family "adventure leader". I remember this title being applied when we went on weekend family camping trips in Palo Duro Canyon and I always wanted to explore "over there" or try climbing "that wall" despite the fact that I was 6 or 7 at the time and the biggest thing that made me an adventurer was that I believed it about myself.

That spirit of adventure and challenge never really left me. I think it exists in everyone. Everyone has that one thing that seems to them like if they could do that they would really have made it. That place they want to go. That goal they want to achieve.

I think I realize now that the value of that spirit of challenge and adventure lies in expanding what you believe about yourself. What you believe you can do. That you see yourself as someone who is doing everything that they want to do. You can do that wherever you are. You can do that living your whole life within the same 20 mile radius. But you have to live it for you. In high school I thought I would have made it in life if I was happily married, doing well in school, happy with what I was learning and doing on a daily basis and had traveled out of the country, maybe even to Europe. Now all of that is true a year and a half later. I did a humanitarian program in Peru with my older sister Alana the summer after I graduated from high school (June 11-August 11, 2015), and this past spring I studied abroad in Spain through BYU, and took advantage of some friends and a couple weeks before the program started to travel to Ireland and England (April 21-June 17, 2016).

Sunrise over the Andes at Machu Picchu 

Water balloon fight with the kids in our after school program for my birthday, 

Eagle Condor Humanitarian Service, Cajamarca Peru.

 Huanchaco Bay, Trujillo, Peru.

Blarney Castle, Ireland.

Tower Bridge, London

And the House of Parliament with Big Ben.

La Mesquita de Cordoba, Spain.

And it's not because I'm so cool. It's all still a miracle to me. I'm starting to think that it's mostly just because when the opportunities came, I accepted them and showed up. But they have expanded my view and changed my perspective so much already. It has made me more grateful for America but has left pieces of my heart outside the US at the same time. The experiences I have had have expanded my mind and my heart, and have helped me prove to myself that I can do whatever I want to do and can go wherever I want to go if I prioritize it and put my mind to it in my life.

Goofing around at lunch.

 That one day we went to France during an excursion from Spain and couldn't communicate with anybody but a lady from the Dominican Republic in a chocolate store.

Not all adventures are important. Life has a fun way of more or less completely changing your perspective every 2 years or so. But this was one big perspective change that happened to me. I felt like I had to make it in life. That I had to get straight A's in high school and college. I had to be the first and the best. The most experienced, the most daring, the most adventurous, even the most humble (because that goal makes so much sense). But the greatest adventures in life, I think now, aren't the end goals, but the little things along the way that make memories, no matter what stage of life or where you are.

 Like buying the whole shelf of 99 cent shaving cream for your graduation party and then discovering what it feels like to wash it out of your hair.

Or climbing on top of an ancient ruin in Peru when you're in the middle of the mountains and you're not going to hurt it. Featuring my flea-bitten legs.

 Like it raining when you're exploring a park in London.

 Or a bird pooping on your bag when shopping in Barcelona.

Or fitting... that many people in a car when going to church in these clothes while camping with grandpa at the Fort Bridger Rendezvous over a weekend in college.

Adventures don't have to be travelling to new countries. They can be walking down new trails, or taking new classes, or going new places or doing new activities (whether you are good at it or not) or eating new foods or meeting new people, or having new experiences with people you've already met.

Calamari sandwich!

 Sleeping on the roof (:

 Walking a trail with my sisters in law (and that other guy) over Christmas bre.

A Chinese Lantern Festival that turned out to be a lit-up zoo...

You can find whatever adventures you want, that no matter their complexity or simplicity or if you have to change your views and your plans a few times, expand your world a little and what you believe about yourself. Sometimes adventures come of their own accord in the form of new situations that are hard and require you to grow and sacrifice. But guess what? If you're growing, you're making it. And then you can find a new adventure.

Like these kids in Pulyucana, Peru who spent the afternoon sliding down this cement incline on water bottles. I guess they knew all of this all along.

Beginnings

I have had thoughts about creating a blog since I came to college. I see so much value in insights and real life experiences. Some things are good to laugh about, and sometimes it is neat to open things up to discussion. There is value in sharing important things to you with others. So as I am on winter break from BYU and newly married, I thought maybe my blog could have its beginning as I have some new beginnings of my own.

So as an introduction, here is me:

I turned 19 this summer and just finished my third semester in a Neuroscience undergrad at Brigham Young University. I love my school and my friends and what I study. Most of my life I grew up in Prosser, Washington after moving there at age 8, and I am proud of my small town blood and welcomes home. At school I found something I love more than anything before.

His name is Andrew, and now we share a last name. We were married November 19, 2016. Part of the point of this blog is trying to better learn about life and loving others, because I have come to see how vital that is in life. Among all the modern technologies and travels and adventures, when it really comes down to it the moments that matter most to people aren't their successes but their happy relationships with others. This boy has sure taught me a lot about that. Christ like love makes all the difference in a person's life.

This is our family.

Sometimes I think I am great at insights and sometimes I am honestly really bad, but I wanted to put more than just some pretty pictures here even as I just begin. So here are some things I have thought about that I believe have really helped me get where I am in life now, and some of my goals moving forward.

Sometimes I already feel like one of those old ladies in a nursing home who seems so kind and wise but when asked what advice she has, she said something like, "Oh, sonny, good luck. I don't have any advice." Sometimes I feel pretty lost not just at where I am going but how I got where I am. A few things are certainly consistent though - people believed in me, I chose faith, I followed through on things I new would be beneficial to me, and I didn't give up. These people believed in me quite a bit.

They're my parents (: I have learned a lot from them how imperfections in practice can melt away in perfection of purpose. I don't know how exactly what the parents most want their children to learn somehow gets communicated to them perfectly, and parents sure don't see it as they are frustrated with the impossible curveballs parenthood throws, but it does. That sure gives me hope for the future. I can guarantee I will share some advice from my parents, whether in word or example, because they have changed me by who they are. They love and support me and believe in me, and I know that in that regard I am already extremely lucky and so very blessed.

Somehow I am extremely blessed not only in the family department when it comes to people. My dad gave us simple advice in making friends growing up saying to say hi to others in the hallway and call them by name, and Dale Carnegie gives good advice in saying you will make more friends in 2 weeks being interested in other people than you will in 2 months trying to get people interested in you. Those things are great to know and work, but they work best because they change you and lead you to the real point - when you care about other people, they care about you too. I am repeatedly blown away that my imperfections in serving and loving others and thinking outside of myself turn into this. And in harder times, the love people have for you will really blow you away. I love how it works in college too, how we're all so busy and live such full lives, but when you somehow decide that you like living full lives better together and talking and studying and going on double dates, that both happinesses and saddnesses become better. You can celebrate good days and laugh about bad ones. People make life so much better it's crazy. They don't have to be many, they just have to be there.

I love my Savior. I had a real crisis of faith my senior year in high school (believe it or not to those of you who knew me then, haha), but through my prayers and frustrations, I still can't deny that my Savior lives. There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon where Nephi says that he does not know all things, but he knows that God loves his children, and I couldn't say it better myself. God has to live because I can feel him live in me. Everything is too beautiful for it not to be true. You can count on me expanding on my thoughts on faith for sure, but if nothing else, I know that choosing faith has made me the happiest and best person I have ever been, and maybe that can speak for itself.

Another scripture says to be anxiously engaged in good works. My daddy told me to always be working toward a worthwhile goal. College carries with it several inherent goals of trying to do your best in your classes and still keep yourself mentally and physically and emotionally healthy. 

At the end of a semester and after the huge goals of getting married and finishing finals and moving into our apartment are past, I have a chance to reevaluate my own goals. Something that has really changed my perspective lately has been the distinct impression, among everything going on, to be confident in the righteous (or you could say worthwhile if not wanting to look at this from a religious perspective) efforts you make. We sometimes put our value in the end point when the real growing happens in the process and we forget to step back and be proud of that.

Though highly imperfect and full of quirks that have a tendency to just come out because I don't care enough to hide them, my faith, my family, my friends, and continuing to put forth good efforts have done so much to get me where I am now. I'm excited for the new adventures and experiences I have ahead of me moving forward. And I am looking forward to sharing some of them and the things I learn with you through this blog - Learning to Love (: