Being a Mom

Becoming a mom has changed my life forever. It has only been a few weeks, but I have already learned so much. It has been both everything I had hoped for and nothing like I expected :D I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the things I have noticed and am learning while I am in the middle of this transition and still have such a personal, immediate and inside perspective. This is a unique time that I think I'd like to remember.

The title of my blog as a whole is "Learning to Love". One of my greatest goals in life is to cultivate charity and real love and understanding of others as best I can. Though I am determined in my personal aspirations (including a career in addition to being a mom), I know that relationships with people are really what make the biggest impact in life and matter most. Parenting is the epitome of learning to love and serve others. It's pretty special to be getting started on something that is not only one of the biggest journeys of my life but also the goal (raising a happy family) that will likely bring me the greatest happiness I experience on this earth.

It is still taking time to get used to this new life. I think it's kind of beautiful how babies start out with very basic needs and grow to need more guidance and direction over time - it's a nice set up for a parent. I don't have to have the majority of answers yet, and I can learn and decide how I want to do things gradually.

In this gradual learning, the past few weeks have already taught me a lot. Specifically, being a mom has changed my life in many ways that I did-but-didn't-completely expect. Those changes included the following:

1. My body is different. Waistbands are funny now because of how they fit with my soft post-pregnancy loose skin. I have only held onto a handful of additional pounds since pre-pregnancy (and I don't know how and apologize to those whose experiences in regards to pregnancy weight have been so different than that. I have taken Anatomy and Physiology courses in college, and yet how bodies can react so differently to similar stimuli is still a mystery to me), but even at a similar weight, my body is just different. I'm okay with it, and Andrew has been so genuine in loving on me which really helps me be okay with it. I can honestly say I feel beautiful, but I also feel different. I expected the loose skin and stretch marks, but something I didn't totally expect is that a lot of my favorite clothes don't fit my chest now while nursing. While adjusting to a growing belly was fun, and I liked my round belly to show and for people to notice, having a larger chest has been more awkward to get used to. My feet are still slightly bigger than they were before as well, but getting new shoes could be fun. And hey - my wedding ring fits again, and that really makes me happy (:



2. Bringing a child into the world is a lot of work. Pushing in labor is the most exhausting thing I have ever done in my life. I felt like I could fall asleep between contractions I was so exhausted - and I had a really smooth labor and a heaven-sent epidural that worked really well. And recovery is very real. My recovery has also gone really smoothly (there is an unfairly blessed pattern here, I am well aware), but there was tearing and stitches and bleeding, and there is still some discomfort and pain at times.

3. The time in my day is structured very differently. Sleeping in is a success, because I consider it a productive nap. Charlie usually wakes up when Andrew goes to work, and we both sleep for another two hours and start the day a little after 9. I have time for myself while Charlie sleeps (which can't totally be predicted) that I can use to read or study for the GRE or write a blog post. When I've slept enough that I don't use the time when Charlie sleeps to try to sleep myself, I can really get some things done for me, and that is really rewarding in conjunction with taking care of her. I want to be fulfilled personally as well as as a mom - both of those things are important to me - and the ability to do some things that I had hoped to do as well as care for my little monkey has been a wonderful success.





4. Continuing on what happens in a day, my daily successes are different. Every peaceful nap that Charlie takes is a success to me. Every time she wakes up at night and goes back to sleep easily is a success too. When she sleeps for two or more hours at a time at night is another success. Sometimes the things I am able to do for myself aren't very big things - like eating meals, or writing thank-you notes, or checking the mail, or doing the dishes, but everything feels like it counts.

5. You don't have to be a perfect person to be a decent mom. I've been really grateful for this already.

I have noticed some things about parenting with Andrew too that I wanted to share:

1. I've mentioned this before, but my relationship with Andrew is really so important. I've noticed this is especially true when caring for Charlie is hard. If she is fussy and hard to calm down for a while, one or both of us can get frustrated. We've learned a lot of patience already, but there is beautiful value in working together. I've seen that it's okay to be frustrated, and it's best to be frustrated together. You don't have to solve all problems, and supporting each other goes a long way.



2. The unconditional love doesn't necessarily come right away. They laid this newborn baby on my chest and I was certainly going to do everything I could to take care of her, but she was foreign to me at first. I feel like I've really been able to love her as I've served her, and gotten to know her better (as much as you can get to know a baby). I'm starting to believe that the unconditional love of a parent really comes through sacrifice and service - because the parent chose to love this child, and continues to choose to love them every moment, even when it's hard.

3. Running errands is so much harder with a baby! Haha. Little things, like "running to campus" to do this and that are a much bigger ordeal. It's still a little daunting to me. Just ripping off the bandaid and going for it has proven to be not nearly as bad as I feared beforehand though. A carseat and a stroller aren't the hardest to maneuver, and it's kinda fun having a little buddy.

4. So many people are willing to help you, my goodness. If we needed a babysitter everyday of the week, I think we have already had enough people volunteer. We are surrounded by so many good people. And some of our friends are surprisingly good with babies. Little helps can be a big help, too. Talia did our laundry one day, and that was so nice. Some friends came over and ran to the store to get milk for us, and that was really nice too.

5. Balancing parenting with personal fulfillment can be hard, but I think it's so worth it. Every little thing is so fun. Charlie's good burps and other relieving sounds are celebrated, and our home has truly been forever changed. It's honestly kinda crazy. Getting married is a big change, but you can imagine what life was like before and continue your life as an individual in a lot of ways through the marriage transition. And you can unmarry someone and imagine life without them if you wanted to. You can't un-birth a child, and the fundamental change in that transition is bigger than in marriage because it takes more effort to care for a newborn baby than a newborn marriage. The shift has been interesting to see in living it. It's really pretty neat. You really get to create your own family, and that's a huge, and really incredible, thing.

6. Adulting has real responsibilities, and they don't ruin your life. I have noticed though that the biggest frustrations come when I had different expectations. If I expect to sleep for 4 hours at a time at night and that doesn't happen, it's a bummer. If I feel I really need to get certain things on a to-do list done to have had a successful day, there's a lot more riding on Charlie sleeping for a long period of time, and when she wakes up it can seem to frustrate plans. Having things to do is important, but doing all you can without having high expectations is a much better way to go. You are much happier for the whole process (:

7. It being hard doesn't mean you're a bad or failing parent. It just means you're a parent. Taking care of a newborn baby seems pretty basic, but it's not without hard times. It's not always straightforward to get a baby to stop crying, and holding a little one you can't seem to soothe for a small period of time can feel like an eternity. But at least for me, that eternity doesn't actually last more than an hour, and soon you're holding a soft bundle in your arms that is fast asleep and curled against your chest or sprawled across your lap, and you feel like maybe you can do this after all.





Andrew and I both already have more patience, better teamwork, and stronger arms than when we started. And I can't tell you how blessed I feel when I'm falling asleep to the soothing sound of Andrew's sleeping breathing on one side of me and Charlie's sleeping breathing on the other, or when I'm rocking our little girl and singing songs to help her fall asleep. It's hard to imagine that she'll ever be as big as the one-year-olds that toddle around church or the lanky 5-to-9-year-olds playing I-spy in the waiting room at the pediatrician's, but I know those days will come quickly. I can't imagine all the learning and change that will come just this next week and next month, not to mention the year. It's only been a few weeks, but I will never again not be a mom, and I feel like it's one of the best things I have ever done. Hopefully one day when she is old enough to understand, Charlie will agree.

And Charlie Makes Three

Charlotte Jo Jacobson was born on May 2, 2018 at 4:15pm. 6 lbs 13 oz, 18.5 inches long. She was due May 11th, and we really didn't expect her to come a little early and hadn't even packed a hospital bag yet! It's been less than a week since she joined our family, but my life has been forever changed. I wanted to share a few highlights from our experience becoming new parents, and also share a few things that have stood out to me over these last few days.

Highlights of our Birth Story
- We had planned to figure out where in the hospital to go that weekend, and we only took one wrong hallway and elevator before figuring it out :D It was nice to not be having painful contractions at the time - I needed a towel more than a wheelchair! I got checked in and changed into a hospital gown before a nurse came in to check to see if my water had really broken (a rupture evaluation - I thought it sounded quite fun), and she walked past wet footprints to come to my bedside. I really never expected my water to break on its own. It was a fun adventure.
- We got the IV in on the 6th try! It's a good thing I'm not terrified of needles.
- Epidurals are heaven sent. I couldn't move my legs for the life of me by the time Charlie came, but man am I grateful for modern medicine.
- Pushing was a really interesting experience. I don't know if you can ever really know what to expect until it happens. It was the most exhausting thing I have ever done, even though there was no pain. Man am I glad there was no pain, because I was giving all I had already.
- Everything went so smoothly, we were so blessed. My water broke around 4:30 in the morning, we were checked into the hospital at 4:55, and I wasn't progressing on my own after my water broke, so they started me on ptocin at 6:30. That did the trick. They came in every so often to see how I was progressing, and I was progressing nearly twice as fast as they were expecting. Labor lasted for 8.5 hours before pushing, and I only had to push for an hour and 4 minutes, which they said is really good for a first time.
- The only minor complication during labor was that during contractions, Charlie's heart rate would drop pretty low. Low enough that nurses came in and tried to see what they could do to keep it higher. Laying on my right side did the trick, and the soreness of laying on one side for so long was worth getting to see her heart rate stay healthily high. They thought the cord might be wrapped around Charlie's neck causing the drops in heart rate, but it turned out that wasn't the case, and the umbilical cord was just really small.
- The placenta usually comes out pretty easily after birth and in one piece, but mine came out in fragments. This increases the risk for hemorrhaging later, so the doctor had to manually scrape out the placenta to be sure it all came out. This wasn't exhausting like pushing, and I knew it wouldn't last forever, but it was probably the most painful thing I've ever experienced. The doctor was really kind and encouraging during this process. Both she and the nurses were awesome to have around. Kind and encouraging words can go a long way when you're exhausted and/or in a good amount of pain.

Charlie
Pregnancy is a process, so adding our daughter to our family was a long time in coming. Still, it didn't seem real until she was there - moving, crying, a real whole human being.

She is her own person, and I'm sure excited to keep getting to know her. She is attentive when she is awake, and generally very easy going and calm. She will already sleep for up to 5 or 6 hours at a time, though this is usually during the day and she'll wake up more often at night :D She loves sucking on her hands and has already found her thumb to be an entertaining snack on more than one occasion. She gets the hiccups about once a day, and it's really adorable. Diaper changes are quite traumatic (we think the cold really bothers her) but as soon as a new diaper is strapped on she's okay again.

Becoming Parents
I expected a huge rush of unconditional love the first time I saw Charlie. I certainly loved her, but at the actual moment of birth, the most significant things I felt were relief (I was exhausted) and concern that she be okay. The unconditional love came pretty quickly though, especially as we have taken care of her. The connection between serving someone and loving them is applicable in many situations, but it is probably the most obvious and significant in parenthood.

Andrew told a friend that came to visit yesterday that it's interesting how his priorities have changed. While before, he might go to sleep thinking about work or what we will do the next day, now he thinks about Charlie. She and our family are the most important, and priorities just shifted. It was special for me to hear my husband say that - he's a wonderful dad, which we'll get to in a second - but I also totally agree with the sentiment. I do have other things I am working toward and doing in life, but Charlie's the best and most important part. Even if I had to get up twice as often at night, I don't think I could say it's terrible. It's wonderful. I love this little munchkin.

I'm already seeing how being a mom is going to be wonderfully imperfect. I'm a picture person - there's nothing like a perfect snapshot that shows the beauty of a person or family, or that catches a sweet moment. Little missy here was really hungry for the first half of taking these pictures, and I didn't know how good our chances were of getting sweet snapshots of us and our little one. Needless to say I'm really happy with the pictures, but I also realized that even when things aren't "perfect" the way you wanted them to be - especially little things like my hair in pictures - they can still be perfect in a different way. There are a lot of perfect moments that are never caught on camera too, and they aren't any less important. Like Andrew singing "My Girl" in the delivery room when no doctors or nurses were around and labor was progressing. Or anytime Charlie falls asleep across my lap when she is full and I can't bring myself to move her. Or when Andrew took Charlie after she had eaten and was going to lay her down to sleep, but I found him a few minutes later propped up in our bed holding her. I climbed up next to them and got to enjoy the comfort of a comfy bed and a happy little family, before taking a wonderful nap that felt 4 years long.

Even now, sitting here typing this on my bed, half-ready for the day, listening to Charlie breathe as she sleeps next to our bed... I can't help but feel like even if I don't remember this exact moment, that these moments and these feelings are what a life is made of.

Andrew
I can't begin to express how important Andrew has been in all of this. The importance of husbands and dads in a family can get looked over a lot these days. I know that not all situations are perfect and there isn't always a dad in the picture, and sometimes that can even be the better situation for the child. But I think that anything you can do to create a family with a father and mother who love and are committed to each other and their kids is so worth it. Abstinence before marriage is worth it. Getting married is worth it. Choosing to let little things go, or laugh about different opinions and move on, is worth it. I love Andrew with all my heart. We knew a lot about each other, were really good friends, and loved being together before we were married, but marriage took a little faith. Having a baby took a little (I would argue a lot, haha) of faith too. That faith, little efforts, and a bigger perspective now and then, have gone a long way. People say the first year of marriage is the hardest. They say having a baby is so hard, and takes so much time and energy. I don't know if I can really disagree with these statements, but I haven't felt that way (maybe in the case of having a baby I should give it a few weeks and see if I don't feel exhausted then, haha. Hopefully this thought is still valid though). A family takes effort and love, but I've found that when you put in effort and truly love your family, most things work out.

Returning to the importance of Andrew in all this, he has been a huge source of strength for me. He is the other half of our marriage, and I don't know how I could do any of this without him. Pushing during labor when you're exhausted or being in pain while the placenta is being scraped out of you is a lot easier when someone is right there next to you who loves you. It's actually a big deal, and a game changer. Taking care of a newborn baby is a lot easier when someone is there ready and willing to help with all diaper changes, and does little and big things to love, serve, and take care of you while you're adjusting to nursing and you're both learning how to best take care of a baby.

Don't forget the importance of fathers. I thought I loved Andrew before - and I did - but there is something truly incredible and divine about fatherhood. Seeing how much my husband loves our daughter as he looks at, holds, and takes care of her means the world to me.

And not only has our love for this little one grown immensely, but our love for each other has grown too. (I think these next pictures are great examples of perfectly imperfect moments (:)

We have a whole lot to learn and do moving forward (more even than the thousands of diaper changes to come), and I'm so excited. We have Charlie, and we have each other. We're physically and financially secure, and we're surrounded by people who love us. I can't think of a single thing we lack. I can't wait to see what becomes of our beautiful Charlotte, and what becomes of our little family.

The Solution to the To-Do List Conundrum

I have had some very busy times of my life, and being 30 weeks pregnant with our first baby, I am sure I will have many more very busy times of my life in the future. When you are trying hard to do good things and be a good person, your to-do list can become quite full, and it can be hard to know if you are doing things right or doing enough.

On the other hand, you don't have to have an extensive to-do list to wonder if you are doing the right things with your time. At times of my life when I didn't have work or school or both (even during holidays or when I have made a decision not to work and knew that was the right decision to make and was still doing many other good things), you can feel like your to-do list isn't impressive enough, or that even amid not doing many things you still can't do the things you still have to do well enough or in the time you have.

I have found that the solution to both of these situations is the same. Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was a one-size-fits-all manual to time management and life management? One process that, if known and followed, would give you complete confidence in the decisions you are making and the direction you are going, help you feel good about every day, and make the dreaded to-do list (whether long or short or full of suggestions or tasks that absolutely need to be done) no longer a dreaded thing? Turns out the solution is just that. A simple principle, a simple process, a one-size-fits-all answer.

The solution is to give God your time.

Giving your time to God might not make any sense, especially to people who don't feel especially religious. It also might not seem to make sense and like it might not really be the right way to prioritize and get things done. Give me a chance to explain though. It does sometimes sound like it shouldn't work. But it does. It works for me. I really believe this.

So I should explain some things and make some clarifications. Giving God your time does not mean not planning. It also doesn't mean always serving and praying and doing things that sound like the "holy life". It means doing all you can to plan, prepare, and work hard, and then while doing those things and in the midst of unseen changes of plans and opportunities, trusting God and trying to listen to what He would have you do.

I am a planner, let me tell you. I planned out my entire high school schedule my first quarter as a freshman. I planned out my entire college schedule my first semester as a freshman in college too. It doesn't mean I didn't make any changes to those original plans I made, but I could see how it was all going to work out and how I could do everything that I wanted to do. It meant that when unseen changes showed up (like classes being offered at different times or by different teachers than I expected, or when considering opportunities like serving in student government in high school and going on a study abroad in college, I had a plan to look at and saw how I could make my plan work with the changes that came.

Giving God your time means having patience with these changes that come and faithfully considering opportunities that present themselves. I have a to-do list of the things I would like to get done each day over the weekend so I am as prepared as I would like to be for the coming week of classes. But weekends also mean opportunities to see friends and family, chances to go on dates and spend time with my husband, some extra time for me to indulge in reading or writing or whatever things are important for my own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self-care, and time to run errands like grocery shopping. When I don't stick to my ideal, original plan and reach the end of the day and have left something undone, guilt and frustration naturally sneak up on me. I didn't use my time right, I think. I didn't do good enough. I'm grateful for what I did today, but if I just tried harder I could really get everything done. Some things you really do have to get done - like assignments due the next day or doing laundry so you have jeans for tomorrow - but a lot of changes to plans are okay. This is where faith and listening to the Spirit can really help you have peace of mind. "Did I do everything I absolutely needed to do today?" is often a much easier question to answer than "Did I do enough today?" What does enough mean? It's different for all of us. I think a good definition would be something like this: "enough" is when you have used your time purposefully for things that are priorities for you. There's no specific cut off of amount of time spent with family or friends or number of assignments you are ahead on for next week. "Enough" is doing well. Well doesn't mean perfect, because it doesn't exist. It really just means well.

Once you have done everything you absolutely needed to do, finding your "enough" - or finding your "happy" - for the day is done by looking to God. By having an open mind and heart and choosing to spend time on things when you feel (this is what we call the Spirit) like it is something you should do. Do you really want your life to be full of a calendar where every day has a to-do list where everything is perfectly checked off? No! You want a calendar full of joy, and joy means filling your duties and responsibilities and listening to God the whole time. An opportunity to teach, learn, love, or experience doesn't always wait until you are done with "everything you absolutely have to do today" in filling your duties and responsibilities. Giving God your time means choosing to do the best thing anyway. It means making the best priorities your real priorities. Sometimes that can mean not doing as well on some things you "absolutely have to do today". When it does come down to that, knowing that you gave God your time makes imperfect scores on homework assignments and wearing dirty jeans an extra day worth it.

Working on giving God my time means being willing to set down my to-do list, or change what is on it and when I expect it to occur. It doesn't change the things I would like to have done or be able to magically do all in one day. It changes my attitude. It has helped me reach the end of a day, look at my unfinished to-do list and think of all the things I am glad I did that day. It has helped me remember that taking time for my family and taking time for me are things that are truly important and bring me more happiness than being totally done with homework that isn't due tomorrow. It's faith and following the Spirit, and it brings peace.

When you are striving to follow the Spirit and give God your time, you never have to feel guilty. You can always have complete confidence in doing your best to follow the Spirit. It means you were trying to give time to your truly highest priorities. It means that even if you can't remember what productive things you did yesterday, that you did the things that were most needed and productive for you.

Sometimes giving God your time means working even harder in school and work. This past semester I took 17 credits, worked as a TA of Organic Chemistry, volunteered in Anatomy Academy and with Wasatch Mental Health in the Giant Steps program for preschool-age children with autism. And I threw up 23 times because for the first time in my life, I was starting to grow a baby. I still don't know how I did it. I know I couldn't have done it without Andrew because he nearly always made dinner (which was challenging while I struggled to find foods that sounded good to eat) and did all but maybe an hour total of our dishes and laundry that semester. I didn't know how I was going to do it before it started, honestly. I couldn't tell you how I was going to have enough time because I had no idea. But I really thought about all of the opportunities I had - the classes I wanted to take, the volunteer positions I wanted to take, the job I wanted to have, and the family I wanted to grow, and I felt like they were all things that I should do and that would be good for me to do for myself, for my family, and for the future. I did well in my job and the volunteer positions that I had. The baby is continuing to grow healthy and strong, and my body is healthy and happy too. I got all A's in my 17 credits of classes. But those things didn't all have to turn out that way for me to know that I was making decisions that were good for me and they were good for me by God's standards - and that was enough.

Giving God your time can mean doing more than you would think to choose for yourself, and it can also mean doing less. I struggled with the choice of whether or not I should work this semester, and I felt like it was the best decision for me and my family not to work. I thought and prayed about it, and in listening to the Spirit and really striving to have faith, I felt like I shouldn't work. This doesn't mean I didn't want to work, but I knew it meant I wouldn't work because I want to give God my time, even when it can seem logically like it would be better for my future career and finances to work as much as possible. This has meant I have had more days this semester to read for myself and take long baths and watch shows with my hubby, more time to make dinner and help with laundry (I'm still not the greatest at dishes) and our home. It means I have had more time to plan fun things with family and friends, to play games with my hubby, and help babysit or make a fun dessert for Andrew and I. Giving God my time this semester means doing more of these things than I could have had I chosen to work. It also means trying to be more understanding and open-minded when I get to the end of a day that was full of school responsibilities and I miss working and volunteering and think it all worked out last semester, so why couldn't it work out now? It means having patience in those moments and thinking of all the good things that have come and that I have been able to do, and know that I am trying to give God (and my family) my time, and both God and my family want me to be happy, so I am on a good path and will get plenty of chances to do the fun things I sometimes miss (or even better things) in the future.

Giving God your time means doing the best you can with the time you have and having confidence in that. It means developing your talents, choosing things that make you happy, and continuing to learn. But it means that all those good things (including education, career, family, etc.) can and should stay viewed as good things instead of chosen prison sentences in the form of a dreaded to-do list that makes you feel bad about yourself. I usually take a list of some personal goals with me when I have additional time (like on Christmas vacation or summer break between semesters). I like to read and write in this blog and in my journal, and those things make me feel good and productive. But sometimes giving your time to God means letting go of good goals when they're not necessary goals. I decided to leave my reading and writing goals behind during Christmas break and prioritize a more important goal to me - being with family while I was around them. Do I regret playing so many games or taking pictures of some fun events? Absolutely not. I was trying to give God my time, and I ended up happier than I would have been if I had been internally conflicted about if I should play the game or read my own book. Look at some of the fun moments we got to have!

I didn't write a blog post about Christmas vacation like I originally planned to do (we found out we are having a girl, had a wonderful time and played a lot of games and enjoyed Christmas with my family in Washington, had a wonderful Jacobson family reunion in Vegas, and enjoyed beautiful, snowy Camp Zarahemla with more games with my family back in Washington over New Years). But I don't think I have to feel guilty looking back and knowing that I failed at my original plan to write that blog post, because I was trying to do good things, I was trying to give God my time, and so I did things that I cared about more. They were higher priorities for me, and so they were more worth my time, and I can consider even those moments of self-care and rest as giving God my time in those situations. Even if sometimes those priorities are taking a bath or reading or snuggling with my husband. God wants us to do the best things we can with our time, and the best things aren't always the things that we originally feel like we should do. We should be open to new possibilities, and to things that might truly be more worth it and make us more happy, even when those possibilities don't seem as sexy at first.

I still wonder sometimes how I am going to finish my goal of a Master's degree in Occupational Therapy with children. How I'm going to have time to do the things I feel like I am meant to do in my life and also be the mother I want to be for my children. But if I look a little deeper, I already know how I'm going to do it, even though I don't know the specifics yet or just how hard it will or won't be. I'm going to give God my time. It's a comforting principle in looking at the past, in experiencing the now, and in looking to the future with the plans we can make and the work we can do and all the things we still don't know or can't anticipate.

Giving God your time means being purposeful with your time but also accepting what comes.
God can magnify your time to help you do more than you ever thought you could, and it is also good to simplify your life and live in the moment. You can have your time magnified when necessary and live a purposeful life with the things that are truly most important to you (whatever number or character of things that means for you) by giving God your time.

So write that to-do list and make a plan. Then, as you strive to work diligently and do your best, stay close to God and remember the confidence, comfort, and blessings that come from giving Him your time. I suspect I will be imperfectly working on it my entire life, but every effort I have put into it so far has been so worth it. I can't wait to see what God can make out of my time.