When They Don't Believe

There was a time when nearly everyone was religious - and we're not living in that time. In the modern day, more and more people are experiencing a change in or loss of faith. For those like me who have grown up greatly valuing religion and/or have chosen religious activity for their own life, having friends and family who make different choices or who "leave" a once-beloved church can be confusing, scary, and even foundation-shaking. I have experienced this for myself. It has been several years for me now, and while more and more of those around me are making the decision to leave the church I have loved, I am less and less worried about it. I know many of you may be in a similar situation of loved ones leaving religious activity, and anyone could be in a similar situation in the future. There are a few principles I learned through my experience that have helped me immensely, and that I find myself wanting to share again and again as I see others go through the same experience. These principles are not necessarily all-encompassing or fail-safe solutions, but I think they could help save people a lot of worry and heartache, and I truly believe they could be helpful for anyone going forward. Here's hoping they can be helpful for you like they have been for me.

Principles that have helped me:

1. This is about them. Even though leaving an organized religion is a personal thing that someone is choosing for themselves, it can sometimes feel like a personal attack against friends and family and their beliefs and values. It's worth stepping back and looking at their true motivations - and asking questions if you don't know those motivations. Sometimes people willingly rebel, and sometimes people choose the "easiness" of a life without organized religion, but in my experience with those having a transition of faith, it is almost always an honest pursuit of truth. It's not about you and isn't meant to be a personal attack; it's about them and their own faith journey.

2. You have to respect their decision. Just like we want people to respect our beliefs, we have to respect theirs. This can be hard when it seems like you had both made the same decision regarding beliefs before, but the principle still stands.

3. Realize that one person doesn't have to be right. Logical people can come to different conclusions. People who choose to believe are not necessarily naive, and people who choose not to believe are not inherently wicked. You don't have to agree on everything in order to love each other and get along. This principle seems obvious when it comes to some things, but it can be hard when it comes to religion. The book "Planted: Belief and Belonging in an Age of Doubt by Patrick Q. Mason" (sold by Deseret Book) has wonderful insights on this. Many polarized conversations on religion come about because we're all trying to look for truth. If we're all honestly trying to pursue truth, wouldn't it be best if we learned from and respected each other?

4. Remember that a choice to believe or not believe is just one choice. It's doesn't mean that someone no longer believes in morals or kindness or service or being a good person. In fact, some of the best examples of selfless and what I would call "Christian" service in my life are people who aren't sure about God or religion but have a strong belief in the goodness of humanity. You don't have to believe in God to be a good person (just like believing in God doesn't inherently mean you are being a good person).

5. Our job is to love them. If they are making this decision it is probably because they have thought about it for a long time. This is a big decision and change for them. Our job isn't to change their mind. I know it is easy to want to share what we think and why we think that way, but they have usually already thought a lot about those things and it is more helpful to be a listening ear for them and have the kindness and respect for them to truly want to know what they think and why they think that way. Being open to their thoughts can lead to really interesting conversations and teach you a lot. Not to mention that when it comes to listening to advice, I think we are all most likely to listen to the people who listen to us and are kind to us and who we feel love and respect us the way we are. If there is something you honestly want to share with them, make sure they know you love and respect them first and that they don't have to agree with what you think in order for you to love them.

6. Know it can be scary. Religion is often a big part of a person's values and values can play a big role in shaping a person's life. Religions often teach that their way is the way (or best way) to heaven, and when friends (and especially family) walk away from religion it can feel like they are breaking your hopes of being all together in heaven. I felt this too. It's okay to feel grief or loss.

This principle has also helped me to be patient. When someone is struggling with belief or chooses to distance themselves from a church, not everyone around them responds in the same way. When someone is responding to someone I love in a way that I feel is harmful rather than helpful, it has been really helpful for me to be reminded that this decision and change can be really scary for them. It has helped me to give people the benefit of the doubt and be patient.

7. I don't think we will be punished for being inclusive. I know Jesus scolded the Pharisees and Sadducees, but he also said to love your neighbor and love your enemies (and I don't think people deserve to be called enemies for trying to pursue truth just like we are). I love this poem from C. R. Gibson:

"I have wept in the night

At my shortness of sight

That to others' needs made me blind,

But I never have yet

Had a twinge of regret

For being a little too kind."

Some questions that it may be interesting to ask yourself, wherever you are on your own faith journey:

Are you an inclusive believer (or non-believer)? *Are you truly leaving space for others who aren't like you?

*Does someone need to accept every aspect of a church's history as doctrine before they are considered a "good enough" believer?

*Is there room for those who can't now, and may never be able to say they "know"? (I sure hope there is, because for many things, I think I fall in this category myself.)

Are you the kind of person that "would rather not know" about someone's struggles - who would add to the stress of the person struggling rather than taking away from it?

(*These questions are almost directly taken from the book "Planted: Belief and Belonging in an Age of Doubt by Patrick Q. Mason. I really highly recommend that book to everyone.)

Is there any advice you feel I am missing or could be improved? Please let me know (if not publicly than in a direct message). I would love to refine this advice and make it better.