A Story of Us - Forgiveness and Strength

Small moments can teach you a lot. This was one of those moments for me.

I can be hard on myself for little things, have bad days, make mistakes, or have things not go as planned. But that is different than really doing something wrong or really failing at something.

Both of those situations are hard. The first situation of imperfections, bad days, mistakes, and changed plans are frustrations that are mostly struggles within myself mentally and emotionally. I have to let go and keep moving forward, and that can be really hard sometimes. It can be a humbling and growing experience, and tricky because there isn't always a defined best way, just the way that I'm trying to do my best.

This wasn't one of those times. This was a time I really did wrong and failed at something. I would share the exact experience, but I think it would take away from my overall point. It was a time where there was a definite right decision and a wrong decision. And I chose the wrong decision. I had logical reasons for why it was okay, but I knew it wasn't okay because it didn't feel okay. I felt awful and empty and dark, and it had been a long time since I had felt that way.

This was right before going to sleep, and Andrew asked me to say the prayer (we always pray together before going to sleep). I knelt and prepared to pray, but I couldn't. I was so caught up in this experience and the emptiness I felt. I didn't want to pray.

I had a similar (but in some ways opposite) experience when dating Andrew. I was struggling with my faith, and was frustrated. Andrew asked me if I would pray, and I told him I didn't want to. He said, "I think you need to." And knelt with me on the doormat outside my apartment as I prayed and expressed my struggles. That was the hard decision but the right decision I needed to make then - to pray anyway.

This time the hard decision was to talk to Andrew. He obviously noticed my silence when I would normally pray, and I told him briefly what had happened, though I felt ashamed and foolish. The next thing I remember is him wrapping me up in his arms. He kindly told me this didn't define who I was, and I almost laughingly replied, "I know, I just feel so stupid,", and began pulling away, wanting to hide. He held me still, and said gently but firmly, "You're not stupid. You are strong, and brave." And I cried. He listened to me as I talked about how it hurt me, and we shared a moment strength and struggle before a very meaningful couple prayer.

Andrew's example of forgiveness helped me to forgive myself. His example of faith helped me to have faith when I needed it too. It was important to realize that those experiences that were hard for me and that I didn't want to be hard and just wanted to go away... were okay. That it is valid to be wherever I am, and that you I loved and cared for during the good times and the bad times - whether the bad times be the smaller frustrating times, or real wrong decisions and dark moments.

I would love to have a great lesson to learn from this, but I mostly just feel gratitude for the power of forgiveness, which is very real whether you are religious or not, and for the possibility of learning and growth. I'm grateful for how much stronger "we" are too. Andrew and I are stronger together. Good family and friend relationships, through they require effort and aren't always perfect, make us a lot stronger too. I'm grateful I don't have to be alone, and that there is someone who can make times of darkness not feel dark (Andrew, friends and family), and someone who really can take the darkness away (Christ). It changes everything (:

Skinny Thoughts

I'm a small person. I can be described as small, I buy small sized clothes, I climb on the counters to put pots away on the top shelf. I don't think of myself as someone overly self-conscious, and I feel pretty, and happy, and content. Yet sometimes, especially over the summer where the bikini pictures are at an all-time high, I wish I was skinnier. ME. I am a totally normal, if not fairly skinny person. I KNOW it's silly for me to think those thoughts, so why do I? Especially when I am sad when others don't see beauty in themselves that is obvious to me because they are self-conscious of their size... how could I think such hypocritical thoughts?

When I had a "wish I was skinnier" thought recently, I stopped myself and asked myself a question - is that really what I wanted? To be skinny? Or did I really want something else? Aha, now there was something.

I realized I REALLY just wanted to feel 1) healthy and 2) attractive. Being healthy comes from physical decisions, while feeling attractive comes from more mental decisions, and sometimes an investment in clothes that are flattering to you (which I believe is well worth the modest investment).

I eat pretty well, I exercise pretty well, and I live a fairly active lifestyle that I am happy with. I feel attractive, and have a husband who makes me feel even more so. So, I have concluded, "skinny thoughts" don't need to have a place in my mind.

I think the majority of people are like me - still sometimes comparing themselves when they shouldn't, even if they wouldn't admit it. Not all bodies are created the same, and there are MANY people who could be considered "bigger" than me that I find gorgeous and look up to both as people AND in looks a lot. Be it natural body shape, motherhood, anti-depressants that cause weight gain, or any number of things that affect both men and women in life, maybe we should all be a little more generous to ourselves.

It's important to be happy. It's important to be healthy and to feel attractive, and investments in time, energy, and money to be healthy and feel attractive are good things. This is absolutely not to take away from those with the metabolisms and body types or workout regimens and healthy lifestyles that give them the perfectly flat stomachs the rest of us sometimes feel we should have, because they should feel healthy and attractive and be proud of themselves just like we should be. But I think there's something for the rest of us to remember. We have seen the media influence, we have heard the 'beautiful the way you are' messages enough. So, at least me, and hopefully you, should just stop thinking the skinny thoughts, and think more of the healthy and attractive ones, remembering how much we love the body we have.

A Year Ago

For the Spring term of last year (2016), I studied abroad in Spain. This was a big thing for me - a great chance to travel to Europe as I had wanted to, to learn more about the world, and to improve my fluency in Spanish. It was an investment, and an incredible experience. It was something that helped me show myself that I could truly do whatever I wanted to do.

It was also a time that Andrew and I knew that we wanted to get married. We decided to be "unofficially engaged" throughout my trip in Spain and the 88 days we would be apart for my study abroad and the summer afterward. Andrew "unofficially" proposed to me in the place that we met with a string ring like the one from The Count of Monte Cristo (a movie we had watched together and loved), and I wore that string ring while traveling in Ireland and London and throughout my study abroad in Spain.

Exploring Blarney Castle in Ireland, and thinking of Andrew (:

Spain was amazing, but I sure did miss my Andrew. When I returned to the states, my family picked me up from the airport and I spent most of the summer with my family and volunteering at a hospital while Andrew was with his in Virginia, working building a website for a company, and at the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Andrew bought tickets for me to fly out to pageant (and I may or may not have known that he planned to propose during my visit there) on July 14, which was also our 9 month anniversary of dating, and suffice it to say, I was ready to see my best friend again.

Andrew surprised me with having flowers sent to me in Washington while we were apart (:

One of many, many Skype calls with Andrew while we were apart. There was no 7 hour time difference anymore at this point, and that was a plus! Featuring a picture drawn by Miss Molly.

July 14th came, and I flew from Washington state to Rochester, New York. Andrew said he would pick me up outside the airport, which was fine because we all know how fun it is to pay for parking, but while I was looking for him outside, he came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. It's a good thing he wasn't a stranger, because I turned around pretty fast and hugged him really tight. It felt right to be together again.

Andrew being put into costume for the Hill Cumorah Pageant.

It was really neat to be at Pageant and see a place that meant so much to Andrew and his family. It was their constant home away from home as they moved every few years as a military family. The next day, July 15, Andrew and I went up to the top of the hill in the morning to read the last chapter of the Book of Mormon together, Moroni 10, a tradition of Andrew's family. We walked up and around the top of the hill and a bunch of youth that were there, found a bench, and read the last chapter together. In the last verse, Andrew had circled letters that spelled out "Will you marry me". You'd think I would have expected it, but I really hadn't. He had me walk along a path and pick up some letters he had written as he walked to the bottom of the path to a cement area where his sisters had put rose petals (best sidekicks ever. Their side of this story is awesome, if you get the chance to ask them). And he proposed with his great-grandmother's ring, that we have since gotten a wedding band to accompany and that I still wear today.

Celebrating with the back-stage crew.

Sitting in class this week (:

And now we're here, and I am so grateful for all that time in between. Here are some of my favorite moments between the above two pictures, from July 15, 2016 to July 15, 2017.

Enjoying pageant with the boy I could officially call my fiance. If you can't tell from my eye in this picture, I was pretty happy (:

Exploring D.C. after driving home with the Jacobsons after pageant.

Andrew bought my plane tickets to pageant, and I bought him tickets to my hometown. This picture was taken after washing sheep for the fair (: Andrew really enjoyed Prosser, and the evil eye is only for taking the picture when we were tired. We were walking around outside when he said, "I like it here. It's kinda like a dream."

 Taking Engagement pictures <3

Flying back to D.C. for Bryan (Andrew's twin) and Emily's wedding! Don't be fooled, I love flying.

 Bryan and Emily's wedding. Fun fact - the heat index was 113 degrees this day!!

The Ft. Bridger Rendezvous with the Peters family :) Piled in the car to go to church.

 My bachelorette party (with Martinelli's)! Don't worry about Andrew, he went with roommates to Disneyland and a beach house without me ;)

 This guy.

Of these fabulous people who were part of our wedding day, 4 have since gotten married, 2 have gone on missions, one went on a study abroad for anatomy in Italy, two had a baby (our favorite nephew!), and one went to dance for Disneyworld. Not to mention the good food and fun game nights since this day <3

Andrew's surprise for my dad at our reception at Wadley Farms. 

We finished our Fall semester married, working 20 hours a week, moved into a beautiful apartment, 

and with all As. It's still a miracle to me.

 Together with the Jacobsons for Christmas and making playing games look gooooood.

Our official honeymoon to Virginia Beach. 

Playing in the snow with a little girl we mentor.

Happily letting rain and colored chalk ruin our clothes. 

 Camping in great places with great friends.

Brealynn and Zach's wedding. The third Jacobson to be wed within 9 months!

Becoming an aunt and uncle, and lovin' on the Brodster.

 Still finding adventures.

The Oakley Rodeo for the 4th of July.

People say "and I love them more every day", but it's a real thing. There have been good days and bad days, and we've miscommunicated and disagreed, like everyone does with their best friends and families. There have been a lot of hugs in exciting times and sad times, and a lot of I love yous and laughs and "it's okay"s. There have been a lot of big adventures, a lot of full days, and a lot of forgiveness before judgement. I'm extremely full of gratitude for all that we have shared since we've met, and since we've been engaged and then married. For some reason it feels a lot more real to me now that we're passing times in the year that were such important milestones to us at this time just a year ago. We don't just get to be married, we get to be married every year, forever. I love my Andrew and always will.

Taking "Being Photogenic" in the Right Light

Some people seem to always look perfect, be it celebrities and models or that girl you pass in the hallways that looks beautiful even in sweats. Then when people take a picture with you in it, sometimes it looks great, and sometimes, it just... doesn't. And a picture of you that you think looks awful can be disheartening.

If you, like me, have taken a least a couple selfies or pictures of people in your life, you have probably noticed this already, but the first time I noticed I thought it was really neat, and I think there are two things we can take from it.

Pictures look a heck of a lot better just with the right lighting. Pictures indoors just look worse than pictures outdoors or by windows with more natural lighting.

I think that's cool. It's a reminder to not take yourself too seriously. If you can't believe that picture of you could possibly look that awful, chances were it was honestly the lighting or the timing. Pictures can catch the in-between looks on your face that we wouldn't notice in normal life, so with both lighting and timing, some pictures of you in this life are just gonna look bad.

This is a reminder to me to also give yourself a break if you think your life looks kinda dismal and unexciting. Because if you took that mediocre-looking life and changed the lighting a little bit, I think you'd find it strikingly beautiful exactly as it was already. You could even play on the fact that "natural" lighting makes such a difference in pictures and wonder if this better perspective of your life is the more "natural" view of a more divine perspective anyway. (:

So don't fret too much about it. No one is perfectly photogenic, and some people take more pictures and are more picky about which ones go places. Maybe your nose does look big from that angle, but people probably don't notice in normal life and it doesn't change who you are. It's okay if you look bad. Sometimes you're gonna look dang good too.

This picture was taken on a normal day of school, after 2 hours of a chemistry lab where I was in goggles and a ponytail. I was going to add a comparison picture, but nah ;)

The Boring Days

I am currently taking summer classes, after taking Fall, Winter, and Spring classes, and before taking more Fall and Winter classes. You'd think it was a lot and awful, but I don't mind. I enjoy being in school and I'm glad that I can be investing my time in my future in a way that works well for my family.

My actual dilemma with summer classes is not what I thought it would be. I was worried I would be burned out, so I signed up for classes that I need to take but that aren't a huge workload. And... I'm bored.

There are a lot of times in life that we feel like we've sunk into the mundane and this is one of my times. My classes aren't captivating, and I have a good job but it's not stretching my intellect or my character very much either. I have found that sometimes "being an adult" and "being in the real/working world" takes a lot of patience, and I understand that. But boring days can still be hard. I've been reflecting on why that is, and what to do about them. This is what I've come up with:

Boring days are hard because you don't feel like we are working towards a greater purpose or becoming better people (even if, like me with my current classes, they are things you need to do to get to future goals). This also means you don't always feel like you have a lot to look forward to each day, and that can be sad.

The best thing to do about it, I have found, is to find adventure. Have at least something bigger you're looking forward to (even if it's just finishing something you are doing now you don't enjoy). And find little adventures in your hobbies and talents. Give yourself something to look forward to and that helps you to work towards a greater purpose and become a better person. Have a goal or a project. This can be anything from organizing a home to reading a book to taking pictures to traveling. Recently I've found each of those specific things to be helpful to me, along with others.

We all fight a boring day now and then. What do you do about it? Do you look for big change or little change? What hobbies or goals help bring purpose or excitement for you? I'd love any ideas.