A Story of Us - Three Squeezes

When we began dating, I didn't know Andrew very well, but what I did know about him was comforting. He was responsible, intelligent, had his own sense of humor, appreciative, humble, and kind. I had heard from a friend in a discussion at church one day that in finding an eternal companion you're not supposed to find the right person, but find the kind of person you can build the right relationship with, and build that relationship. You could say I was taking a chance or following the spirit in agreeing to date the boy from Chemistry after 8 days (we had been acquaintances before and had gone on one official great date and unofficial dates nearly every day of the following week, so you can choose to call me crazy or not as you please), but I really saw this boy as being one with that potential - the kind of person I could build the right relationship with.

The days passed and we grew. Sometimes I would laugh at how different we were, and there was a time a little bit after we started dating that I really doubted and became afraid, but in telling Andrew these things, I felt comfortable. This time when I wasn't sure about us was the first of many times I was uncertain or frustrated about something. Andrew was there for me and expressed that he wanted to be with me but he wanted most for me to be happy. His patience and understanding and trust in me and my decisions felt good. Then, and ever since, I could never find a reason to not be with Andrew. I never felt that uncertain again, I have found that my uncertainties are best confronted by Andrew and I together, even if that just means sharing a worry and having his support in my confronting it.

I give this introduction to show that in my relationship with Andrew, I was confident and happy. A lot of this comes from the kind of person Andrew is. He's good through and through. But despite this deep underlying happiness that was there no matter what, which I think is common in good relationships and especially marriages, there were and are still little things that worry me or frustrate me now and then. As we were dating, I became frustrated about feeling loved. I knew I was loved, but didn't feel it sometimes, and though it sounded silly even to me at the time, I knew we needed to find a way for Andrew to better communicate his love to me that I felt and internalized for my personal peace and happiness. We talked about how I could feel more loved before Andrew would go back to his apartment, and though we were working on it and getting better, one night I seemed especially put out. We were sitting outside against a wall, and Andrew squeezed my hand three times. It's fun to think about what my face must have looked like, because I got it and looked up and said, "Does that mean 'I love you'?" He kinda laughed and said something like, "Yeah. You haven't noticed before? I've been squeezing your hand since we started dating."

My mind immediately flashed back to when I was gently prodding for Andrew to say he loved me when I knew I was falling for him. Even before he said he loved me, he knew it inside himself and was showing me even when I didn't notice. 

I am very happy with the love I feel communicated to me now, and Andrew and I can have entire small conversations through hand squeezes. But I learned something in that moment, and I still look back on it. There was an opportunity for growth and I had certain expectations for how I wanted something to be, while all the while my Andrew was happy, content, willing to approach an opportunity for growth with me, and showing his love to me the best he could even when I had no idea. I felt such overwhelming love to have someone like Andrew, who continues to love me like that because it's who he is.

Maybe I'm sharing this story for someone to remember a similar thing they learned once with a relationship they have, for my personal recollection and growth, or for my children to read one day and see just how much their daddy loved their mom, and was as kind and humble as he is from the very beginning, 

But if nothing else, maybe it's just a fun story of us. When I think about the couple that we have grown to be, and all of the perfect imperfections that means, somehow I still think back to the original three squeezes.